


Trapped in the closet

by NEG85



Series: Sinful Pleasures [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Alternate Universe, Author Is Not Religious, Bad Parent John Winchester, Canonical Character Death, Canonical Child Abuse, Child Death, Closeted Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has a Crush on Castiel, Divorce, Divorced Dean Winchester, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic John Winchester, Homophobic Language, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester Being an Asshole, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Priest Castiel (Supernatural), Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 18:01:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30143445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NEG85/pseuds/NEG85
Summary: Dean's perspective*homophobic slur used and homophobic behavior and non-graphic child abuse*
Relationships: Anna Milton/Dean Winchester, Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Sinful Pleasures [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2205828
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Trapped in the closet

As Dean entered St. Catherine’s the first Sunday in his new town, his eyes were immediately drawn to the undeniably attractive, dark haired man. Where he was standing, the sunlight shone down from the stained glass window on the crown of his head. It almost looked like a halo, which was fitting since Dean thought only an Angel could have such breathtaking features. For several minutes, he felt unable to tear his eyes away. He found himself walking closer to the man and saw unbelievable sky blue eyes. Heart beginning to race, he was only a few feet away when he noticed the white square of his priest collar sticking out beneath his black button-up shirt. Gulping, he slowly backed away, then quickly found a seat in the back awaiting the start of service. ‘Of COURSE he’s the fucking priest.’ Dean had thought, cursing his luck.

Just this past Friday Dean had signed the divorce papers from his wife- well, soon to be ex-wife, Anna. She had came home early one day and walked in on him masturbating to gay porn. She called him an abomination and told him he was going to Hell. She yelled and spewed profanities accusing him of wasting 13 years of her life. Even started throwing their framed pictures at him, the glass shattering at his feet as they fell to the floor. She said she's so glad they didn't have children together because their father would be a pervert. The last thing she said before telling him to ‘get his shit and go’, was admitting her father had warned her not to ‘tie herself down’ with him the day before their wedding. And that now she wishes she’d listened.

Dean was 13 the first time kissed a boy. He had spent the night at his best friend Benny’s house and they stayed up late joking around and laughing. He hadn’t realized before it happened that how he felt for the other boy was more than all friends felt for each other. As they began settling down for sleep, they ended up face to face beneath the covers. Suddenly everything shifted and Benny slowly leaned toward him, gently caressing his cheek. Dean moved towards his friend and their lips met briefly. Just for a split second and they both pulled back a little. Hearts racing, studying each other’s face as they considered what had just happened. Dean grinned first, running his thumb over Benny’s bottom lip. The other boy had crashed their mouths together a second time. They both shyly parted their lips and let their tongues slide against each other. Pulling apart again, they tried to catch their breath. “I like you.” Dean had admitted, then. “I like you, too.” Benny told him. 

It was only a few weeks later that Dean’s father had caught the two kissing in Dean’s room when they were supposed to be studying. There had been lots of yelling then too. His father made Benny leave, called his parents to come get him and told them what had happened. Dean had not only gotten the belt, a black eye and a busted lip, but his father called him words he’d never heard before like ‘faggot’. Told him he ought to be ashamed of himself. Was sure to let him know how disgusted he was seeing his son kissing another boy. Told him how much of a disappointment he was. Said he was glad Mary was dead so she didn’t have to find out her son is gay. Changed his mind and said that actually he wishes Dean had died that night instead of her and Sam. Said he was sure Sam would’ve been a much better son. One that would actually made him proud.

Benny’s parents blamed Dean for ‘corrupting’ their son. They weren’t allowed to be friends anymore and Benny started ignoring him at school.

Doing his best to push those memories along with the connected shame and self-loathing to the back of his mind, he tried to focus on whatever the priest was saying. After the service was over, he knew he wanted to talk to him. He knew it was wrong, that he should stay away but convinced himself he could let their relationship be strictly priest/church attendee. He’d never learned how to let people in. How to open himself up, be vulnerable and let them see who he really is. So as soon as he realized he was being vulnerable with the devastatingly handsome priest, he automatically felt the need to turn it sexual.

It had been so thrilling, so hot and yet...he felt guilty. Not even just his own guilt for the whole ‘abomination’ and ‘going to Hell’ stuff, but that he’d tempted the priest. ‘I’m the worst person on earth.’ he thought afterwards. What made it even worse was the fact that as much as he wished he did, he didn’t regret it.

The next week, he told himself he wouldn’t go back. He’d let the priest go back to his former life and forget about him. Forget what had happened between them. But by the time Sunday rolled around, he couldn’t keep Cas off his mind. He needed him. More than just sexually, he wanted to get to know him. He wanted to maybe date him? But priests don’t date. He knew it wasn’t fair to expect anything from the man. Wasn’t fair to want something more with him. Hell, it wasn’t fair what he’d done with him. Despite how much he wished he could stay away from him and move on, he couldn’t make himself stay away.

When words wouldn’t come, emotions and thoughts of something real, allowing himself to be vulnerable were stifled, he went with sex- again.

That time was different. Cas had said he wanted it. Maybe he wanted HIM. ‘Could Cas actually...like me? Want to get to know me? Maybe be open to more?’ He dismissed those thoughts. It was much easier to assume the negative that way he wouldn’t have to be disappointed later on. Though Dean knows it's unfair of him and he knows he shouldn't, he can't stay away from the priest. He's drawn to Cas and can't even imagine not seeing him again.


End file.
